reading a biography (in the absence of you)

reading a biography (in the absence of you)

i found myself sitting in my office

suddenly crying april 11, 2007

having just learned Kurt Vonnegut died

& this lingered for days & days

sudden sweeping tears & anguish

for this man i never met or knew

except for words that poured into print

then more than four years later

i sat in my bed reading his biography

“He died April 11, 2007” its last sentence

& again tears filled my eyes & my chest heaved

although this is the only way biography can end

(i toyed with reading it backward page by page

like Billy Pilgrim watching the movie of war)

but this second time was in the shadow

of the absence of you

my realization that you were not there

& you would never be there again

although you still walk this earth

having chosen to set me aside for another life

this second crying is selfish & empty

like the refrain of loneliness

running though Vonnegut’s life

like a blue thread in a black black cloth