Wednesday, August 22, 2012

happiness (the only me i’ll ever be)

happiness (the only me i’ll ever be)

The girls, too, seemed disappointed to discover that in person, Tengo was not the same 
as the passionate young math lecturer they encountered in class. He could understand how they felt. 
1Q84, Haruki Murakami

i am saddest at Christmas

and i always thought it was the holidays
until i realized it was the contracting sunlight

that wrapped me in sadness

it was a Christmas rendezvous

what we had become
only these rendezvous

and it was our usual dance
but you regretted rendezvous

in darkness and stealth
they were always too little

but this time you agreed
and brought me a present

this unexpected hardback book
you had found and wrapped

this book and your effort made me cry and happy

i don’t tell everyone this
in fact i have never told anyone

but i am telling you

i am a loser
i lose
that’s what i do

i am sad
i am always sad

because i am the only me i’ll ever be
and no one disappoints me like me

and the only me will always be
the one you did not choose

because i always lose
and this being set loose

is the sort of present
that pretty green foil paper
silver ribbons and bows cannot disguise

the weight of Winter Solstice
the end of rendezvous
the loss of you

i have never seen a gift horse
or a Trojan horse

and i am really not sure how to be happy

but the book you chose is my talisman
my sunshine my happiness

a Christmas card for every day

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