happiness (the only me i’ll ever be)

happiness (the only me i’ll ever be)

The girls, too, seemed disappointed to discover that in person, Tengo was not the same 
as the passionate young math lecturer they encountered in class. He could understand how they felt. 

1Q84, Haruki Murakami

i am saddest at Christmas

and i always thought it was the holidays

until i realized it was the contracting sunlight

that wrapped me in sadness

•

it was a Christmas rendezvous

what we had become

only these rendezvous

and it was our usual dance

but you regretted rendezvous

in darkness and stealth

they were always too little

but this time you agreed

and brought me a present

this unexpected hardback book

you had found and wrapped

this book and your effort made me cry and happy

•

i don’t tell everyone this

in fact i have never told anyone

but i am telling you

i am a loser

i lose

that’s what i do

i am sad

i am always sad

because i am the only me i’ll ever be

and no one disappoints me like me

and the only me will always be

the one you did not choose

because i always lose

and this being set loose

is the sort of present

that pretty green foil paper

silver ribbons and bows cannot disguise

the weight of Winter Solstice

the end of rendezvous

the loss of you

•

i have never seen a gift horse

or a Trojan horse

and i am really not sure how to be happy

but the book you chose is my talisman

my sunshine my happiness

a Christmas card for every day