Sunday, January 26, 2014

a bad day (not the worse part)

a bad day (not the worse part)

most days anxiety and OCD
surround me nibbling at the edges
like pilot fish

but there are days
when they are an anvil
anchoring to paralysis

i had a bad day last week
driving to work before it hit
fear that i had left the stove on

i had spent the morning
doing six things at once as usual
including heating a pan of water

unsure and almost the entire way to work
a drive almost an hour long one way
i turned around to drive back home

the stove was off of course
and that morning trip became
almost three hours driving

but that was not the worse part

i had no one to tell this story
to confess how embarrassing and silly
i felt a prisoner of these compulsions

although that isn’t entirely true
i could not tell you
and that was the worse part

i imagine telling you
and knowing that you know
and maybe you take my hand in yours

you would still see the me you care for
i could say i was embarrassed
and in the end hand in hand remains

i am alone however and i sigh

most days anxiety and OCD
surround me nibbling at the edges
like pilot fish

but there are days
when they are an anvil
anchoring to paralysis

Friday, January 17, 2014

small sad songs playing in my mind

small sad songs playing in my mind

(1) prone (magnetic north you)

i am not the person
you think i am
i cannot be who you
want me to be

i long to be the person
you return to
every time we part

i look in the mirror and see
a hollow man
no longer filled with you

when you return
you will recognize this shell

a man prone to lying
in the sunshine coming through
the front window
on cold winter days

he is drawn to you
his magnetic north

(2) blue moon (filled with you)

is he good to you
is he true
does he still leave you blue

i am too
i am too

without you
without you

Friday, January 10, 2014

Loquacious (imagined granddaughter)

Loquacious (imagined granddaughter)

Tarame imagined Anomaly
and his imagined granddaughter

Anomaly called her Loquacious
and left her from time to time

in Tarame’s open arms as he sat
looking out toward the expanse of sea

he gently rocked looking into baby’s eyes
calling her simply Lo and whispering

apologizing the only mantra he knew
and promising her a love rarely imagined

a single rail

a single rail

he had been

hated for loving
loved for hating

but his thirst remained
for one pure nectar

being loved for loving

because this he knew
sadness ran on a single rail

from having had
to fearing it will never be again

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

other men have squandered this

other men have squandered this

True, a new mistress now I chase

I never wanted no one else
I tried my best to be somebody you'd be close to
Hand in hand like lovers are supposed to
“Hand in Hand,” Dire Straits

there were times it was mostly for war
and i suppose that remains true today

but men will begin to look right past you
as they rush to do the things they must do

the work that they say is for a better life
as if you are not breathing there in the room

how must you feel each time being second
how must you feel each time invisible and alone

we stop them just outside the door and ask
about the color of your nail polish and shoes

when they admit rushing away not to be late
that they aren’t even sure if you wore either

other men have squandered this i know
but the matter for me can be only you

my sole rush is to look directly in your eyes
and to listen to every single word you speak

so that we will be the only real and true
lying against each other in our shared nights

when they come to look past you explaining
as they hurry off to those things that matter

there kneeling before you always i will be
kissing your knee as my first solemn promise

many men have squandered this i know
because losing it forced me to sleep alone

waking to realize your return was only a dream
you were not angry and came bearing evidence