bitterness (if it weren't for me)

bitterness (if it weren't for me)

"But it was the hands that were too lived in, overused."

Divisadero, Michael Ondaatje

it was Disney & Xmas

that drove him to the edge

of bitterness

where he swam often & alone

he had considered earphones or plugs

against the din of everything artificial

but the noise urged him over&over

to keep his toes right there at the edge

•

she taught him to hold

a piece of dark chocolate

in his mouth with a sip

of warm calming tea

& she whispered to him softly

dark chocolate on her tongue

if it weren't for me

you wouldn't have poetry

and this is what coursed his veins

yes and if i could kiss

your bittersweet lips all night

i'd know what peace tastes like

•

her words that had been carved

on his bones beneath skin&muscle

remained muted & hidden

against the roar of magical kingdoms

until the very center of him

had been pulled so tight&twisted

he could not unclench his jaw to say

see here this osseous tattoo of me&you

•

as a teenager he had read about

a movie sex scene claimed to be real

Donald Sutherland & Julie Christie

were not pretending was the Legend

& this gave his young blood hope

against the awfulness of artificial

& this filled his chest with longing

only to be deflated (it wasn't true)

•

driving to florida he struck a large bird

he thought it a hawk, she said buzzard

returning to his manufactured life

he couldn't bring himself to wash

the silent mark of that bird hit

from the dented hood or his mind

•

the razorblades of caterwauling

left him blind & fingers numb

bruised swollen & frozen like stones

unless there was her like warm tea

and bittersweet chocolate coating

the silence of not having to speak

•

eyes closed his fingertips on her lips

shhhh there is nothing to worry about

this is not a movie or memory

i am here really really here

always. . .