a bad day (not the worse part)

a bad day (not the worse part)

most days anxiety and OCD

surround me nibbling at the edges

like pilot fish

but there are days

when they are an anvil

anchoring to paralysis

i had a bad day last week

driving to work before it hit

fear that i had left the stove on

i had spent the morning

doing six things at once as usual

including heating a pan of water

unsure and almost the entire way to work

a drive almost an hour long one way

i turned around to drive back home

the stove was off of course

and that morning trip became

almost three hours driving

but that was not the worse part

i had no one to tell this story

to confess how embarrassing and silly

i felt a prisoner of these compulsions

although that isn’t entirely true

i could not tell you

and that was the worse part

i imagine telling you

and knowing that you know

and maybe you take my hand in yours

you would still see the me you care for

i could say i was embarrassed

and in the end hand in hand remains

i am alone however and i sigh

most days anxiety and OCD

surround me nibbling at the edges

like pilot fish

but there are days

when they are an anvil

anchoring to paralysis

small sad songs playing in my mind

small sad songs playing in my mind


(1) prone (magnetic north you)

i am not the person

you think i am

i cannot be who you

want me to be

i long to be the person

you return to

every time we part

i look in the mirror and see

a hollow man

no longer filled with you

when you return

you will recognize this shell

a man prone to lying

in the sunshine coming through

the front window

on cold winter days

he is drawn to you

his magnetic north

(2) blue moon (filled with you)

is he good to you

is he true

does he still leave you blue

i am too

i am too

without you

without you

Loquacious (imagined granddaughter)

Loquacious (imagined granddaughter)

Tarame imagined Anomaly

and his imagined granddaughter

Anomaly called her Loquacious

and left her from time to time

in Tarame’s open arms as he sat

looking out toward the expanse of sea

he gently rocked looking into baby’s eyes

calling her simply Lo and whispering

apologizing the only mantra he knew

and promising her a love rarely imagined

a single rail

a single rail

he had been

hated for loving

& loved for hating

but his thirst remained

for one pure nectar

being loved for loving

because this he knew

sadness ran on a single rail

from having had

to fearing it will never be again

other men have squandered this

other men have squandered this

True, a new mistress now I chase

“To Lucasta, Going to the Wars,” Richard Lovelace

I never wanted no one else
I tried my best to be somebody you'd be close to
Hand in hand like lovers are supposed to
“Hand in Hand,” Dire Straits

there were times it was mostly for war

and i suppose that remains true today

but men will begin to look right past you

as they rush to do the things they must do

the work that they say is for a better life

as if you are not breathing there in the room

how must you feel each time being second

how must you feel each time invisible and alone

we stop them just outside the door and ask

about the color of your nail polish and shoes

when they admit rushing away not to be late

that they aren’t even sure if you wore either

•

other men have squandered this i know

but the matter for me can be only you

my sole rush is to look directly in your eyes

and to listen to every single word you speak

so that we will be the only real and true

lying against each other in our shared nights

when they come to look past you explaining

as they hurry off to those things that matter

there kneeling before you always i will be

kissing your knee as my first solemn promise

many men have squandered this i know

because losing it forced me to sleep alone

waking to realize your return was only a dream

you were not angry and came bearing evidence