shaving over scars (the art of not falling backward)

shaving over scars (the art of not falling backward)

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

“Lost Cause,” Beck

the fingers of my left hand

trace the Braille of scars

across the back of my head

etched by all the times i have fallen

inspecting the hairless landscape

left from my shaving over scars

an act done blind in the shower

my head bowed slightly as if praying

and my eyes closed in concentration

i have committed more than most men

shaving my head and part of my face

(leaving a Van Dyke as decoration)

like a woman caving to convention

conforming to properly shorn peers

i shave my legs as well for cycling

•

who am i sculpting

who am i looking for

not me not me not me

•

there is always blood from these rituals

usually felt and then revealed on my finger

scarring the scars that tell the silent story

of a man shaving away himself searching

for someone else looking back at him in the mirror

who has perfected the art of not falling backward

glimpse you

glimpse you

High as the light of day
You're falling down across your lost highway…

Your eyes get stung by the rays of the sinking sun

“Heart Is a Drum,” Beck

the South will glimpse you spring

& even summer

in the unfolding aperture of winter

promising warmer days

i pause walking across campus

turning my face to the sun

the warming rays denying the cool air

of midday in February

•

you are hundreds of miles away

& i am no longer in your thoughts or heart

standing in the bright promise of longer daylight

i feel your hand slip into mine

these seasons of us shuttering my longings

like a dream or a photograph

the World will always glimpse me only you

winter spring summer fall

misfire (trigger warning)

misfire (trigger warning)

Michael Dunn pulled the trigger

to erase Baldwin's "bad nigger"

Jordan Davis just one in a car of four

playing music loud and black died

justified? we cried

the verdict lied! we cried

•

in a black and white video from 1963

Baldwin speaks with his hands and determination

a white wisp of cigarette smoke crossing his black face

"Well, I know this,

and anyone who has ever tried to live knows this:

what you say about somebody else,

anybody else,

reveals you." …

“We have invented the nigger.

I didn’t invent it.

White people invented it.” …

“But if I am not the nigger,

and if it’s true that your invention you drew,

then who is a nigger?

I am not the victim here.” …

“And I give you your problem back.

You’re the nigger baby.

It isn’t me.”

•

Dunn’s hand held a gun

aimed at a thug he invented

three fingers pointing back

a trigger warning

a misfire

criminal acts (black&white)

criminal acts (black&white)

for Jordan Davis, February 19, 2014

in a white rage & armed

he felt his life threatened

by their criminal acts

of simply being blacks

he shot into their fleeing car

to stop them in their tracks

later much later he wrote a letter

in black&white to tell the facts

what had he done within his rights

wielding a gun as a criminal axe?

was it a mistrial or miscarriage of justice

standing his ground between whites&blacks?

you have asked me why i walk so fast

you have asked me why i walk so fast

You better save yourself
From something you can't see
Follow it where it goes
Follow it back to me

“Don’t Let It Go,” Beck, Morning Phase

you have asked me why i walk so fast

this is the story of the real me chasing always

the me i want to be for you

i know the real me there only a step or two behind

a shadow darker than a black hole

the real me cannot enjoy even a single moment

and has never known peace or quiet

but he believes those possibilities exist somewhere

so he too is relentless anxious and swift

you have known us both of course

the real me incessantly in manic pursuit

the frantic me trying to put on a happy face

in the end

however

you were better

than us both

cut to the quick

fleeing

able to save yourself

do you

do you

And you will learn to survive me.

“Learning,” Perfume Genius

i am doing sixteen things

at once

as usual

most people would try

only three

but not me

but that’s not the problem

i cannot find the number

to help me forget

this one true

the only thing i ever want

to do

is you